Josh.0

One of my students is named Josh. Josh is a mess. He says things that are pretty Wall Worthy. But the reason his Wall Worthy Contribution Value (WWCV) is so high is because of the conversations, rebukes, and rebuttles that result from his antics, anecdotes, and asinine philosophical musings.

Exhibit A: Martin is one of the classiest students in school. He comes from a great family. He's smart. He's got a solid relationship with Christ. His priorities are right. He's pretty mature for his age. He's athletic, etcetera, etcetera...and according to the ladies, he's good-looking. Add all of those together and it would appear that this guy is as they say, "A pretty good catch."

And apparently, Josh thinks that Martin is...well, to put in Josh's own words. "That kid (Martin) is gorgeous."

Sidenote: If I ever refer to another man as "gorgeous," I give you permission to physically harm me.

However, Josh thinks that Martin is an unbelievable waste of incredible good looks. He even went as far as to say that Martin lacks swagger. And yet, Josh believes that Martin's Lady Killing Good Looks should not go to waste, therefore he devised a plot to redeem Martin's "unused" qualities and talents.

This is what Josh said, "Dude, Martin's so cute, it's like...I wanna take him, and walk around the mall with him."

Martin's sister was in the room at the time. All she could do was laugh along with the rest of us. The girls in the room asked him why in the world he would take a better looking guy with him to the mall and proceed to walk around with him.

His answer was this: "Because all the girls are going to be looking at him and eventually, they're going to have to notice me because I'm standing right to next to him. And when they come up to him and start talking to him, there I am...Martin doesn't know how to talk to girls."

Just for the record, I believe Josh's last sentence to be both completely erroneous and ridiculously outlandish, because according to Martin's sister, he's got tons of swag. I believe her. In fact, our recommendation would be this: Don't walk around the mall with Martin to pick up girls. To be honest, you should probably try your best to convince him to stay at home or, at the very least, to walk around the Tallahassee Mall by himself. Then, you should get yourself over to Governor's Square ASAP, because that's really you're only hope of "running your game" in a mall. If Martin's anywhere in the same building, the ladies will find him, and then you're done for.

The Bay of Stupidity

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results."

It's debatable who first said that famous quote. Some people say it was Albert Einstein, but most people seem to think Ben Franklin is the one to credit for uttering such brilliant truth. I'm not sure who it was because I wasn't there, but I disagree. I think that quote is a better definition for "stupidity" than "insanity."

For instance, I've got students in my classes who do the same wrong things over and over again and yet they continue to be amazed when I keep writing them up. It seems pretty simple to me: you break the rules, I write you up. You break the exact same rules that you did yesterday and guess what? I write you up again. It's not a hard concept. I mean, what kind of person continues to do the same thing over and over again, all while expecting a different, less tragic result than before? Franklin would suggest that only an insane person would do this. I think it's probably more appropriate to replace the word "insane" with "stupid."

Stupid is as stupid does.

Some of my students get this idea. They're smart, they're respectful and they don't walk around this place with a sense of entitlement like the teachers here owe them leniency and a free-pass. Needless to say, these pleasant students don't usually find the behavior of those, whom Franklin would deem insane, to be very funny or entertaining.

One day in 6th period, a particular student was acting the way that he always acts (which for the record is like this: "Mr. Xanders, I can't shut-up, I won't shut-up, I don't know how to act or behave, please write me up again, I dare you.") and Michelle Sauer (not pronounced "Sawyer") had clearly had enough of this guy's antics. The feeling was mutual.

She was standing right next to me at my desk because she was helping me pick out a template for this blog. The particular student I'm writing about continued to be extremely disruptive and obnoxious, which is common place for him. I yelled him for what was probably the thousandth time.

Michelle looked up at him in disgust and then looked back at the computer screen. She shook her head and muttered, "That kid is the shining lighthouse in the Bay of Stupidity."

And you know what? She's right. I couldn't help but laugh because it's true. My 6th period really is the Bay of Stupidy and there's boats of all shapes and sizes that are either in an elongated holding pattern or they're just permanently docked there forever. Some kids aren't boats at all, they're like a floating buoy or a beacon to all who pass by and despair. But according to Michelle, this one kid is the Lighthouse that beckons to all the other students to come into the deep, deep waters of the Bay of Stupidity.

My dear students, this is one time that I'll tell all of you to NOT go toward the light. You'll just wind up in a Bay surrounded by Ships of Stupid.

Thought of the Day

"Whatever dominates a man's free time, will dominate a man when he is freed from time."

Meaning: Look at your life. What consumes your free time? What owns you? Ask yourself these questions because in eternity, these same things will consume you and own you. As they go, so will you. So are you invested in and owned by something eternal, or something temporal and finite?

Brown loves Orange

I've got a student. Her name is Brown. Her favorite color is orange. Yeah...orange.

Orange. As in that obnoxious color that results from the absolute insanity that is mixing red and yellow. And yet, she loves orange. "Like" would not be a strong enough word for her feelings about the color orange so I really did have to use the word "love," even though I despise the typical over-use of that term in our culture (for example: I "love" my mom and I "love" quesadillas. Why is my affection for another human being labeled the same way as my affection for delicious Tex-Mex cuisine? I digress).

She has orange Chuck Taylor's (shoes) and the entire class had to hear all about them both before and after she got them. In addition to her orange Chucks, she wants a pair of orange TOMS. She has an orange cover on her cell phone but only because she couldn't find a phone that was just outright orange all by itself. She wears orange (almost highlighter orange) finger nail polish. Her watch is orange. Even her favorite snack is orange (Cheez-its).

Now, she has a big problem focusing in class because in addition to her "love" for orange, she also has a "love" for talking...non-stop (like, flight from Atlanta to LAX, non-stop). And, when she sits near her friends in class, you can just forget about her doing any work, because she'll probably be talking about Cheer Co., Cheez-its, or the next thing orange colored item she wants from her orange wish list which also written in orange ink.

So, one day I decided to banish her to the corner of the room and isolate her from all of her classmates so that she could get work done because on this particular day she just could not, would not stop talking to other students.

Me: "That's it Brown. Corner. Right now. Go."

Brown: "But Xanders! I don't wanna go! I hate the corner. I'll do work over here I promise."

Me: "No, you won't. Let's go. Corner. Now."

Brown: "No. I hate it. I'll stop talking I promise."

Me: "No you won't stop talking. I'm pretty sure you can't NOT talk. Sit there. Stop talking. Do work."

Moments later she was back at it again: talking, being a distraction, and letting her mind wander to all things orange...none of which are part of her SOS Bible homework.

Me: "Jessie! All you do is talk, talk, talk. I put you alone in the corner and you're still talking. You'd probably talk to the wall and become friends with it if you could. Oh, hey look...there's an orange chair in the corner. You'll probably talk to the chair and be like, 'Hey, you're orange. Wanna be friends?' Stop talking. Do work."

Needless to say, that is now her permanent seat in my class and she is always doing her work like she should be (well...almost always). And most importantly, in her eyes at least, her chair is always orange.

Gabrielle's Greatest Hits

Gabrielle Marie Gardner. She is quite a character. While she has already been established as something less than "gangsta", it is only fitting that one be exposed to a good sampling of all she has to offer before assessing exactly who she is as a person. With that, I would like to introduce three of Gabrielle's "greatest hits":

1. The day after the "not a gangsta" moment, we were all sitting in 7th period (once again) talking about something that I'm sure was trivial and unimportant. As we were talking, Gabrielle turned from her corner (she sits away from the group...it's strange and makes people think that she is being shunned) to face us and said:

"There's this guy. His name is Stevie B. He's the fly-est kid ever."

Now, like I said, we all know that she is not a gangsta; so hearing her say this was particularly epic. She then proceeded to NOT tell us about Stevie B. and returned to her schoolwork (which she is constantly doing/freaking out about).


2. I believe that I have said that Gabrielle is often stressed, but if I haven't, let me say it now. GABRIELLE IS OFTEN STRESSED. There. Now that that has been established, one day, in AP Calculus, Gabrielle was having some problems with her eyes. Evidently, they were very dry and were causing her pain or irritation of some sort. Gabrielle began talking about her eyes, but soon switched to talking from the perspective OF her eyes. She started saying something that she imagined her eyes would be saying in a strange voice. This voice, however, is often used to imitate her cats (OFTEN). So I said:

Me: "Gabrielle, why do your eyes make cat sounds?!"

Gabrielle: "Every cell in my body makes a cat sound."

While she says things about her cats all the time, I and the entire class found this one particularly distrubing and unbelievably wall worthy.

3. Just this week, our usual group went out to lunch at Atlanta Bread. During this lunch, Natalie was eating a piece of bread. She was very hungry and devoured the bread relatively quickly. Upon viewing the consumption, Gabrielle bursts out with:

"If I was a piece of food, I'd rather decompose into the earth than be eaten by you."

This wasn't very nice, but it was hilarious, and thus, it is counted as one of Gabrielle's greatest hits.

It's Miller Time

Each period of the day has a different nickname and 4th period is what I like to call "Miller Time." Here's why...

Stephen Miller is in my 4th period class. He's the only freshmen guy in a room full of sophomores. He's always getting picked on by the 10th graders in class, but I think it's because they really do like him a lot, even though it's nearly impossible to tell. Like, it's climbing-Everest-in-swimming-trunks impossible to tell, but I still think they love the guy.

Regardless of what his classmates think of him, I like the kid...and not just because he bribes me with Star Crunches and Zebra Cakes. He's usually pretty quiet (usually) and he's respectful even when getting dumped on by other students. But, my favorite part about Miller is his ability to recklessly abandon careful thinking before audibly speaking. This quality is usually not at all admirable (especially in teenage dudes), but Miller pulls it off nicely because of the guy that he is.

The best example of his unique skill set is this: One day in class, D.J. Stutler, Miller, and myself were discussing the awesomenss of the movie Transformers, depsite the fact that Megan Fox is a horrible actress and nearly ruined the sequel. Stutler articulated his argument for why he loved it and some others chimed in as well. Miller spends most of each class paying more attention to things other than his fellow class mates (I think it's a defense mechanism). Miller was engaged in the conversation, but not really focused on the words that were about to come out of his mouth.

Miller, without hesitation, said: "Transformers. Man...That movie will never get old...Kinda like Sixteen Candles."

Keep in mind that Sixteen Candles is a chick flick from 1984 starring Molly Ringwald. Miller's a 9th grade boy and it's 2011. Are you tracking with that? My first question was: "How does he even know about that movie?" My second question was: "Why has he seen that movie?" And my third question was: "What 9th grade guy thinks that movie is as great as Transformers?!"

I don't know the answer to the first two, but the answer to the third question is: Stephen Miller...the one, the only...Stephen Miller. That's why in my mind, everyday in 4th period is Miller Time. Because only THE Stephen Miller can compare Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall to Optimus Prime v. Megatron in a battle for human survival and the safety of the entire universe.

Angry playground equipment?

As it's already been established, 7th period is often a time when people are extremely funny. Funny...but also angry.

On a particularly stressful day, Kirk Council decided that he would visit our 7th period class. He sat down, wearing his sweatshirt, listening to his mp3 player, and most likely doing a whole host of other non-NFC-approved activities. He slid his chair over towards Rachel, who was not in a great mood, and started asking her questions. Now, typically Rachel is a nice person who would answer people's questions. The problem with that day; however, was that Kirk is a mumbler. He speaks low and quietly, most often incoherently. On a good day, mumbling can be extremely annoying, but when you are already in a bad mood, mumbling can lead you to lash out in anger. The conversation went something like this:

Kirk: (incoherent mumbled question)

Rachel: "What, Kirk?"

Kirk: (same question, mumbled, yet again)

Rachel: "What, Kirk?!"

Kirk: (MUMBLE, MUMBLE, MUMBLE)

Rachel: "WHAT, KIRK?!?!"

Kirk: (MUMBLE, QUESTION, MUMBLE)

Rachel: "Kirk, I am on a teeter-totter of just like madness right now."

Rachel's exclamation caught the entire class off guard and, needless to say, scared Kirk into speaking audibly the rest of class period. Now, no one knows where Rachel found this mystical playground toy, but it was definitely established that it is not from a happy place. Perhaps, somewhere, there is a teeter-totter of happiness, but the teetering and the tottering of Rachel Stafford can only be defined as madness. Rachel's bad day and Kirk's bad choice led to one of the funniest quotes that has adorned the blue walls of NFC.

The Moral of the Story

All my students talk in class (except for Jordan Turner). When most of them talk without permission, I just tell them to "Shut up" or "Stop talking." But when some of them talk I just listen in anticipation because I know something entertaining is about to be said. Some times their words cause the class to laugh with them but some times the class just laughs at them. Either way, they've got a chance of ending up on "The Wall."

One day, Gabrielle Gardner was sitting in her corner (as usual) and in my peripheral vision I saw her whip around in her seat so she could say something to her friends. I looked up because something inside of me just knew that whatever she said would be worth hearing. I was not disappointed with what I heard:

"Guys, I'm tired of being made fun of because I'm not a gangsta'."

Her facial expression was priceless. The look on her face screamed, "I'm desperate to be gangster so people will stop laughing at me all the time." Her three friends laughed and then looked over at me at my desk. I shook my head and thought, "I seriously doubt that the reason they make fun of you is because you're not a gangster."

I think the moral of the story is: You can be a gangster and still get laughed at by your friends.

Why are you late to my class? Part II

Every once in a while, a student will walk in late and have an excuse that's so true and so funny that I'm not even angry about it...

Winston Davey is one of my most likable students, but every once in a while I wonder if he's the first person in medical history to walk around and function like a normal person while also managing to be, clinically speaking, in a coma. For instance, one day he walked in late to my class at the beginning of 6th period and he sat down without saying a word. When students do that, there are either trying to sneak into their seat without being noticed, or they're just completely oblivious. Winston was the latter.

"Winston...why are you late to my class?"

He looked at me and said: "Ummm...I couldn't find it."

You know what? 99.99% of the time that answer from a student would be a complete lie. But I believed him. The look on his face and his demeanor in general convinced me that he really was just wandering aimlessly through the halls after 5th period saying, "Where am I? Who am I? And where am I going?"

I wasn't angry...I was humored. Because, let's be honest, we've all had days like that, days where we feel like we're floating in a fog rather than actually functioning in a clear reality.

Why are you late to my class?

One of my favorite parts about my job (and by favorite I mean ridiculous) is when students look at me and tell me things that are out-right lies. And they know that I know that they're lying, but they continue to do it even after I call them on it. Sometimes they're just trying to be humorous but mostly, they're just being plain stupid because they forget that I went to this school for nearly a decade and on top of that, I wasn't born yesterday. This sort of thing usually happens when someone is late to my class and they have no real reason for being late. So, to avoid being written up, they lie to me in hopes that I won't call them on their shenanigans and hand them a detention form with their name on it.

Having said that, one day Rachel Stafford and Gabrielle Gardner walked into my classroom about a minute late. I looked at Stafford and said, "Why are you late to my class?"

"I was filling up my water bottle." This statement was absolutely true, but it wasn't a valid excuse and she knew it. But at least she didn't lie to me.

Gardner, however, decided she would lie to me about her tardiness before I had the chance to ask her the same question. Before I could even ask why she was late to class she turned toward me and declared, "I was helping her."

This was both humorous and absoultely ridiculous because no one over the age of 5 needs help filling up a water bottle. And yet, Gardner, who was probably late because she was day-dreaming in the hall-way about cats and her lack of gangster-ness (that story will come later), still thought this would be an acceptable answer. The worst part was that Stafford nodded in approval of Gardner's words as if to say, "Yes, she was helping me fill up my water bottle because I have the motor-skills of a toddler."

These events led me to say: "Oh really? You were helping her? No, you weren't. What's she need your help for? Did you press the button for her while she held the bottle? Or were you just there for moral support when Stafford got overwhelmed? 'Help! I can't fill up this water bottle on my own! Please encourage me on this endeavor!' Gardner, shut up and quit being to late my class."

The quote that took the wall to new "heights"

7th period. It tends to be a time when people are at their funniest. It is also the time of day when people are most tired (of school, of life, of making sense) and start to say random things that are terribly incorrect. This quote is the prime example of that tiredness.

Rachel S.: (babbling something about Josh Groban and what a great artist he is)

Natalie FUTRELL!!!: (in an attempt to sound like Josh Groban) operatically, "You raise me up, so I can fly like mountains!"

Entire corner: WHAT?! (burst into laughter)

The main problem with this sentence, as you can probably see, is the fact that mountains...cannot fly. Natalie was attempting to quote a Josh Groban song; however, a lapse into that realm of 7th period dumbfoundedness caused her to confuse her language and make a wall worthy quote.

The quote that continued the fun.

In 7th period, just after the historic fire drill that began our little trend, the group of girls that sit in the corner and never "stop talking" were, of course, talking. More specifically, we were discussing the hilarity of the aforementioned fire drill. All four of us, including FUTRELL!!, were laughing about Sarah's incoherent remarks. It was in that moment; however, that the next wall worthy quote arose.

While the group laughed, a conversation between Gabrielle Gardner and Rachel Stafford took form. Gabrielle loudly proclaimed something that I'm sure was less than brilliant, but what she said was not the quote that made the wall. It was Rachel Stafford's response of, "You keep thinking that. You and your imaginary mind." that became an instant legend when the simple line 'imaginary mind' was taken out of context and taped upon the wall.

The real magic in Rachel's words is in the fact that she truly believed, in that moment, that the mind of Gab Gard was imaginary. I suppose Rachel thought that Gabrielle's mind was just so filled with cat thoughts (she talks about cats all the time...it's actually quite disturbing) that it ceased to exist all together outside of the imagination of another person's mind. Whatever the reason for exclamation, the quote was printed, posted, and produces laughter still.

The quote that started it all.

It was 6th period and we were in the library. The fire alarm went off and we began to file out of the room. We headed to the track around the football field to avoid any possible fiery fury in the buildings. Fortunately, it was just a drill. My 6th period talks a lot. A lot. And so, it was no surprise that when I went to take role (to make sure all my students were there and still alive) they refused to stop talking. Even after all the other students were quiet, one continued to talk. And that's how all of this Wall Worthy madness began...

John: (mutters what I'm sure was some typical non-sense)
Me: "John! Shut up! Stop talking!"
Sarah M.: "That's incapable!"
(Awkward pause)
Me: "That doesn't even make any sense."

"That's incapable." Every once in a while, our brains can't decide between two words or phrases and we combine the two. That's exactly what happened here. She couldn't decide whether to say "He's incapable" or "That's impossible," so her brain compromised and she said "That's incapable." The problem is, "That's incapable" doesn't make any sense, so one of her fellow students printed the conversation out onto paper and taped it to my classroom wall for all to see and enjoy.

And that's how it all began.

From the Window, to the Wall, to a Blog

Let's be honest...school can suck. There. I said it. School sucks sometimes. But it's not completely terrible. If we're truthful, you (students) hate hearing me say, "Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking" and "Shut-up" all day. And, I really hate saying it almost as much I hate that most of you (pretty much everyone but Jordan Turner) continue to talk regardless of what's going on in the academic universe around you. Now, having said that, you guys have said some of the funniest things I will ever hear in my entire life and the world deserves to know just how funny you really are, both as individuals and as groups.

So...this blog is my gift to you. It will be filled with all of your funniest quotes. You know them as those white pieces of printer paper that Michelle Sauer spends most of her day coming to my desk to get from the absolutely ancient HP Laserjet 1020 on my desk (I am pretty sure we used that printer when I was still in middle school, which was about 10 years ago). Most of those pages end up on the school-blue, concrete walls behind me. But now, they're going onto a school-blue and white blog so that the entire world can witness your brilliance...or lack there of.

Whatever you do, don't try to come up with epic quotes in class so you can get on the blog. That always end badly and you'll just be lame. Just be you. That's worked so far, and the paper covered wall behind my desk was proof (we took it down last week for the Fire Marshall). Every good quote will be Wall Worthy, but only a few will be legendary. After all, good quotes never get old...kind of like the movie Sixteen Candles.

"Mirth [laughter] is God's medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it." -Henry Ward Beecher

If Beecher was right, then we should hope that the world would swim laps in laughter without free-styling into frivolity.

-Mr. Xanders